Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
