i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
