Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
