Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
