Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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