"it" just moved
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
