The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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