Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
