Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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