My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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