i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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