I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
