JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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