Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
