What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I supernannyed him into submission
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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