great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
