Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
