thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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