i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
