Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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