Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
