Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
