I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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