Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
