well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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