I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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