none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
