I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
