Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
PANTIES FOUND
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
