In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
