just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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