hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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