i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
