I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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