can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
