I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
