your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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