I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
