she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
