we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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