U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
