so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
