I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
