i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
