Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
