she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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