I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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