Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
