Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
