I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
